Honeytitts is back! This time, she is in search of the cemetery that is supposed to hold the crypt that is supposed to hold the grave that is supposed to hold the crown that is supposed to hold the key to reviving the Skeleton King, so I can kill the Skeleton King. I found this out before writing part two, and it wasn't easy, because every piece of dialogue in this game makes want me want to cuddle my old Diablo 1 and 2 boxes under a soft blanket and sob like a teenage girl that is the last in her class to grow boobs. I wonder what this has to do with the fallen star I am originally in search off, or why I can't just take Leoric's crown for myself and leave him dead, but I guess it beats tea time with Leah and Cain.
You can read the first part here!
Part II: Tomb Raider
Remember how part one of this review contained almost exclusively zombies? It's the same with skeletons now. So I clear this graveyard of a variety of skeletons and then enter a crypt. There is several crypts, and you don't know which is the right one, so how many crypts you have to grind through comes down to luck. Conveniently, the game resets the entire area when you restart it, which means I must have cleared about nine crypts or so in total. This makes you two things, bored and rich. Bored because they are very repetitive, and rich because every monster, every sarcophagus, every loose stone slab, and every chest is stuffed with so much useless weapons and armor that your inventory is always full. Other cultures used to bury their dead with two coins on the eyes, but in this mythology, it seems like you pay the ferryman five broadswords and a platemail to ship you over to the afterlife. It's okay though, because you will drown in this stuff, which goes nicely with the fact that there are still no town portals.
Conveniently, at the end of every wrong crypt, there is a monolith that teleports me back to the entrance. When it comes into sight, Honeytitts will announce that this must be the wrong crypt. She never wonders about the monolith..es?, even though this is awfully considerate of whoever hid the crown and stuffed all the surrounding crypts with the animate remains and ghosts of medieval arms dealers. It's not all bad though, there's also a couple of fun mechanics. You can use your environment to kill monsters, for example by dropping chandeliers on them. You will notice this after you ran in there in your best barbarian fashion and ground everything into a snortable state, and then realize which monsters in what moment you were supposed to drop the chandelier on. Okay, forget my point.
Let's skip the boring stuff and get to the right crypt. You will be pretty sure it is the right crypt when a wall suddenly starts crumbling in front of you to introduce a dude that looks like somebody stuck 30 large black dildos into whatever the equivalent to Godzilla is for the Gingerbread Man. This is the first boss fight that actually feels like a boss fight, because when this guy swings his massive arms at you, you're supposed to run out of the way to avoid the damage. I would have liked if this was hard and done a few, rewarding times. It's easy though, and he has a lot of hitpoints. After the fight, as you descend down the hole in the wall behind him, a guy that you're not supposed to like because he probably turns evil at some point appears in your Pokedéx, telling you what that was. The thing, by the name of Unburied, is what you get when you have mass graves instead of proper burials. I'm pretty sure that later on the game will let you know how this can happen IN A CRYPT or why they throw large black spikes into a mass grave. In the next room you get a fun enemy design. Tomb Guardians are sorcerer type skeletons that fire slow, dodgeable projectiles at you, teleport around wildly, and sound like you throw a bus full of heavy smokers into a meat grinder when they die. They are the first really interesting encounter in this game, so I love them. Defeating a few of those, I finally find the crown. Of course, I don't get to take it home before it regurgitates the Ghosts of chancellor Eamon, that let's me know he will never allow me to revive Leoric, while Honeytitts already pounds on him. Then, he does.